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I dropped half my dinner in the sink today. This is not that unusual.

My friend came in and expressed concern. I said, 'It's okay, I can fish it out of the sink,' and he said, in appalled tones, 'FISH?!'


My response was, 'Well, your w-" and then I shut up in confusion and embarrassment because I'd nearly said, "Your will be done."

What had gone through my head was something like this:

'Oh great, he's going to stop me fishing my food out of the sink. There goes my dinner. I hate this but I can't argue because I'm clearly wrong for dropping it and wrong for being disgusting enough to still want to eat it, and even if I did try to argue I'd lose because I always lose all arguments with everybody.' (Yes, I DID have low blood sugar at this point, can you tell? :)

Needless to say, my friend had absolutely no intention of stopping me eating (!!) and I was left to reflect on the bizarre thought process that led to me nearly saying, 'Your will be done,' in a really passive-aggressive way to another human being.

I realised that I have a pattern of saying 'Your will be done' to God when I hate my situation and feel helpless. It's a knee-jerk reaction. Which could be a good thing, except I'm doing it in this kind of, 'Fine, you're the boss of me so whatEVER' way that's not loving to myself or God. God is not the boss of me.

I'm going to say that again because it's a bit revolutionary. God is not the boss of me. And I don't just mean that I have free will to disobey God. I mean that the very concepts of disobedience and obedience and submission and surrender, and all those other kinky words we use to describe our relationship with God, often obscure the truth of that relationship. Total surrender to God is a thing, but it's the same thing as total surrender to myself. To the highest, deepest, most divine, most complete expression of myself, to the true me who is LOVE, like God and everything and everyone else. And when I start talking about 'surrender to myself' it starts to lose meaning and I might as well just say, 'being myself.' I might as well say, 'MY will be done.'

Of course, I'm not talking about the me who just wants to sit around on the internet eating junk food all day :) It doesn't mean 'my ego's will be done.' It doesn't mean it's okay to go on a crime spree because my ego is God. Ick!! Intuitively wrong!! I'm talking about a me who's MUCH more real than my ego. The reason why it's so hard to hang on to the truth that 'Thy will be done' and 'my will be done' are one is that it's hard to believe the real me is THAT DIVINELY AWESOME. It seems arrogant, right? How could a flawed person like me be love? How is it possible that when you get right down to it - down to the realest level of reality - this scared, embarrassed, angry, guilty human being burns brighter than the sun with a flame that would never hurt anyone? I mean, love? Radiant, boundless, unconditional love? Me?

Yeah... it can be hard to remember when you've just dropped your dinner down the sink. :D
st paul's

Oh my poor sweet Mr. Banks. I have done you a disservice.

All these years I've gone on and on about how I didn't want to be like Mr. Banks. And all these years I've missed the fact that there is not just one Mr. Banks. There's the original, tragically uptight Mr. Banks, and there's the reformed version, who is an awesome role model.

Specifically, an awesome role model for me, because of all the times I've been sacked in my life. I stopped counting at ten. And even though I work for myself now, I still have all this 'I'm a person who's been repeatedly fired' shame and insecurity hanging around. I still constantly expect to be 'fired' by my clients, dumped by my friends, and thrown out of my home.

All those times and not once did I listen to this adorkable father figure who's been part of my life since I was five.

'Sacked, discharged, flung into the street, for a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go DOWN, la la la la la la-la-la...'

THAT, ladies, gentlemen, and the rest of you, is how I want to respond to 'being fired' and the fear of 'being fired', by clients, friends, or anyone else.

'Being fired' situations are so painful on the human level. On the illusory level where everyone is separate, and everything is finite, and I am other people's opinion of me, and money is ugh I'm not even going to talk about all the illusions we have about money.

And on the divine level? On the real level? WOW! Opportunity! Blown wide open! Seeing the world more upside-downish! The wind of God whistling through the punched-out crown of your bowler hat! The crumbling of the Tower! REVOLUTION! For a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go DOWN, la la la la la la-la-la...

Oh, Mr. Banks. I am so sorry it took me thirty years to get that you were telling me this all the time. I love you. <3

And this means that I can now revisit all that past pain from all the times I was fired, and Mr. Banksify it. To reframe all that shame, punishment, and bitterness as wild liberation, the blowing-away of old stuck patterns and attachments and limits, blowing me wide open to the wind of God. And I can remember all the times when I really have felt that wind blow through me after loss and rejection, and when I've seen it happen to others as well. I'm just realising that I've been weirdly blessed to experience that so many times. I'm a house that's been aired out over and over again.

I don't expect 'being fired' not to hurt from now on, but at least I know what it is now. And I can use that to transform the fear of 'being fired' as well. If I complete the piece of work I've got now, which is the first of an ongoing business relationship that could really help me? Yay, opportunity! And if I don't, if I get 'fired'? Wow. Opportunity.

And of course - upside-downish as it sounds - that makes me feel a lot more like getting on and doing the work...
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This whole 'actually going to church' thing is GREAT when it comes to Advent

Having not blogged here at all for a while, I suddenly had ALL THE THOUGHTS in church today that I wanted to share.

1) When it's cold in church, everyone's breath looks like incense. Prayer-smoke rising to heaven. Every breath of our bodies is that sacred. I love it.

2) This is the first time in ages that I've 'done' Advent in church. Since finishing my Destuckification Novena I've become a lot more obsessed with God's kingdom coming and all beings reaching enlightenment, and the Advent thing turns out to REALLY RESONATE with that. As far as I can see, there are three things happening at Advent:

We're waiting for Jesus to be born. This is sacred playing-at-waiting for something that happened long ago, and it's also actual waiting, because time is wibbly-wobbly and every year it happens now.

We're waiting and opening ourselves up for a birth-of-God experience to happen inside us, at a time when the 'thought weather' is perfect for it, because the whole Christian world, and many other faiths, and the world itself, are all in the same phase of renewal, hope, and joy out of the darkness.

We're waiting for God's kingdom to come. All the old stories and prophecies about the coming of Jesus become stories and prophecies of what Christians call the Second Coming, what Buddhists call the enlightenment of all beings, and what New Age mystics call the ascension of Earth... and we are passionately waiting for them to come true. And I swear this passionate waiting brings that moment closer...

For lo, the days are hastening on,
By prophet-bards foretold,
When with the ever-circling years
Comes round the age of gold;
When Peace shall over all the earth
Her ancient splendors fling,
And the whole world give back the song
Which now the angels sing.

3) I had a stoopid epiphany about Communion. I'm sure I've thought this before, but I got re-hit by it today. All this talk in the Communion service about everyone being part of the 'body of Christ' - it's not just about ecclesiastical unity, it's about everybody being literally one. With each other and with God. Literally.

Though we are many, we are one body.

Child and serpent, star and stone, we are all one, all one...

You know. THAT. Separation is an illusion. Make me one with everything! Communion is a picture of that, AND it's a magic spell that helps our bodies and souls remember the truth of it. One step closer to the day when we'll remember it all the time and never forget...

4) WHO GETS TO DO A READING AT THE CAROL SERVICE? I GET TO DO A READING AT THE CAROL SERVICE! The vicar picked me to read this poem by Janet Lees...

A Voice Crying in the Wilderness

There’s a voice crying in the wilderness
In the inner city wastelands
And run-down sixties housing estates
And the voice says “Get ready for God.”
“Make the paths straight
Repair the potholes and re-lay the pavements.
Level the empty tower blocks
and use the rubble as the foundation for God’s new motorway
straight into the heart of the city,
into the heart of the problem,
into your heart and mine.
Bend and break the proud and the powerful
Raise up those who are bent over and weighed down
So that they and everyone can recognise God’s handiwork.
Praise God!

Destuckification Novena - Day 54!!!

So today is the last day of this novena, and I'd been wryly assuming I was going to drag myself across the finish line and go into a prolonged fail-doom-collapse, because that tends to be my pattern. And today the universe has been going, 'LOL really, you thought THAT was going to happen?'

1) I've had a major body revelation, which I shall detail here with the usual caveat - no opinions on my physical appearance, however positive, plz!

I'd been extremely stuck on the whole body acceptance thing, because my body is female and my spirit is not, and while I'm sure I'd be happier if I could honestly go, 'Wow, I LOVE how hugely, blatantly female my body is! I really ENJOY having my biological sex be screamingly obvious to total strangers every time I walk down the street!'... well. I can't imagine ever even wanting to be there.

I was thinking about this and wrote: 'What I actually want is for God to agree with me...' and proceeded to detail all the things I wished God would say to me that God would obviously never say. And then burst into tears as I realised what I was doing. God was saying those things to me as I wrote them. I kept writing and this huge outpouring of divine joy came out. I quote one little bit:

'Do you know how many generations I've waited for humans to allow themselves to live out the genders I gave them? And are you really beating yourself up for not accepting that you're a woman? You think that's what I want? You think that's why I made you like that? I really wanted you to be silver. There is a party in heaven all the time about the fact that you're silver. And for you to make more noise about it, to CELEBRATE it more, to join the party, would delight me.'

And then I took a level in grasping the concept that instead of trying to enjoy how female my body is, I can enjoy how androgynous it is. It's all relative and I'm decidedly luckier than many female-bodied genderqueer people in that respect. WHICH MEANS that each of the many times per day that I feel uncomfortably aware of, say, my breasts, instead of thinking 'Ugh, I can feel how huge they are' I can experiment with thinking, 'Wow, I can feel how small they are.' It's equally true. Just a shift in perspective!!

SO THEN 2) a bit later I was thinking 'Huh, I really need to get more in alignment (spiritually tuned in) but I don't wanna and I can't think how to and I'm just going to fail at this, both now and in life generally.' So I decided to ignore everything and read random books from my bookcase, and this one spiritual book I hadn't looked at in ages jumped out at me. I started reading and within a couple of pages I felt VERY 'tuned in' and realised that far from having a fail-doom-collapse, the end of this novena was going to signal the start of a big bit of healing and progress for me. I could feel it starting already as I read.

AND THEN 3) I saw a 2p piece (that's tuppence, folks) on my windowsill that must have been there since I moved in and I'd just never noticed it before. I'm pretty superstitious about Mary Poppins-related occurrences, and coming after all THAT, well. :D


And I'm giving thanks for everyone who's been with me on this journey!

Giving thanks for all the learnings and changes that we've experienced and have yet to experience!

For the idea of doing this in the first place!

For faith, hope, and love! MAN I'm finding out why those three remain!

For the amazing privilege of even getting a GLIMPSE of the awesome destuckification wave that is rolling round the world right now. As strong as the sea. As real as the stars. WAAAAH.

For getting to be part of it, however small. A drop in this wave, a whisper in this wind of change.

For acceptance and permission. For things not turning out as expected.

For all the things I've forgotten to give thanks for that I'll probably remember in five minutes.

For God's sense of humour.

For play. For the sacredness of play as revealed on the bouncy Stonehenge.


Destuckification Novena - Day 53

It's the LAST DAY tomorrow and I'm having all the 'Have I tried hard enough? Have I done this well enough? Have I changed enough? Have I made enough difference?' And I'm noticing this as a pattern, which is progress!

(NB. I'd prefer no reassurances on this subject, because I want to keep this between me and me. I'm the one that has a problem with me, and I'm the one that should be giving me reassurance!)

Ugh, I just want to give thanks that this world is turning towards better things. Right now, in the dark, under the stars. Or turning through sunlight if that's where you are right now (where you are right now!)

I'm reminded of a song I loved when I was little, 'Morningtown Ride', about travelling through the night on a train bound for morning. A song that depicted time as space. Night as a landscape through which you journeyed, morning as a destination, a place that was already out there somewhere, waiting for you to reach it... the most beautiful and mysterious place.

And on this turning world, we really are being carried through the night towards daylight. It really is there, waiting for us...

We're travelling forwards, in time, and in space, and in spirit. Giving thanks for that.

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Destuckification Novena - Day 52

Just 3 posts to go in this 54-day novena... I want to try and make some kind of intelligent summing-up post, but not today.... today I am just going to go EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE because I had some bad stuckness where I was not only procrastinating but Googling Very Dark Things, and I just destuckified it and did the things! GIVING THANKS!!
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Destuckification Novena - Day 51

Having another day when I've noticed so many changes that I hadn't even realised were changes!

But I'm feeling frustrated because I'm not 'in the right mood' to post - it didn't feel right last night so I went to sleep, woke up and it still doesn't feel right this morning. Basically like the universe is telling me not to post right now. But I can't accept that so I'm posting anyway, even though I'm pretty sure it won't help anyone.

Giving thanks at least for being able to see that and be honest with myself about it!

In fact, thinking about it - being able to notice when I'm out of alignment and refusing to do anything about it, and go, 'Oh, hello. Look at that. I'm out of alignment and refusing to do anything about it'... IS SIGNIFICANT PROGRESS.

AND being able to notice that it's progress and be pleased with that progress instead of just disappearing into a guilt vortex... IS FURTHER PROGRESS. Look at that!

Anyway, that's enough about that. Giving thanks for the glorious wind of change that's blowing through the world. For the wave of destuckification that's rolling from ocean to ocean. For being able to notice that and be part of it. For the feeling of sky and sea, clouds and birds, everything that makes us think of freedom.

Oh hello, now I'm in the mood to post. Object lesson! Object lesson! There's some of that destuckification I was talking about :D
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Destuckification Novena - Day 50

I'm really seeing the point of the 'giving thanks' phase. Even though I'm seeing lots of changes, and I know other people are too, it feels really presumptuous to be giving thanks for worldwide destuckification when I can't be sure that any such thing is happening. I have days when I'm convinced nothing is happening, nothing is going to happen, this is all made up and I'm just babbling delusional nonsense into the void.

But if I keep on giving thanks even when I feel like that, doubting!me eventually goes 'oh okay, if you're so grateful there must be SOMETHING going on.' And keeping on giving thanks for 27 days gives me time to go through that cycle several times - doubting!me repeatedly checks, 'Is there anything going on here? Still grateful, must be something.' And if you check something several times and get the same results, you eventually don't bother checking so much.

Which is extremely useful if I'm right that prayer is less about persuading God to give you something, and more about getting yourself to the point where you can receive it.

The more I think about it, the more religion seems to be about ways to notice. Prayer is a way of noticing the love and possibility that's always there. Churches and temples are a way of noticing the presence that's everywhere. They aren't more full of God, they're just designed to help you notice God. BRAINMELT.

Giving thanks for all the highly productive brainmelt! And for the destuckification of the world!
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Destuckification Novena - Day 48

UGH I'm exhausted again even though I've been asleep since like, 6pm. But I was right yesterday about big changes coming for me. Not sure I'm quite done having revelations yet (lol, am I ever) but these are what I've got so far:

1) I am allowed to see myself as other than my body. I don't have to like my body. I just need to be okay living in it. In other words, I don't have to look at my body and think, 'This is me,' I just need to think, 'This is what I'm living in right now. Okay.'

Also, I am allowed the Star Wars quote that I love: 'Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.' I am actually allowed to think like that.

Having had this realisation, I think I grew about an inch, felt way more comfortable in my body and actually did like it more.

Massive caveat: People vary. I have no wish to invalidate anyone's hard-won body acceptance or challenge anyone's beliefs in the inseparability of body and spirit. This is just what's working for me right now.

2) I seem to be actually practising meditation and mindfulness of the presence of God. This is a huge deal for me because I normally find this difficult-to-impossible, and my monsters are convinced that everybody thinks I should meditate and finds my excuses unacceptable. I also feel like a lot of my God-avoidance has dissolved and I'm ready to start moving on to the next level.

3) Consequent progress on the procrastination front, and realisation that THE INTERNET HAS LEARNED HELPLESSNESS IN IT. In other words, I have a pattern of losing all faith in my ability to make sovereign choices when I sit down at a computer.

4) Actually started using the magic whiteboard I got for my birthday as a bosy organisational tool and space for playful messmaking. Going great so far.

5) I had a whole thing where I got halfway up a tree and realised I was scared to climb further. This brought on a lot of useful learnings and questions about my relationship with fear and courage, which I'm still processing.

GIVING THANKS for all of these learnings! And for the reminder that it's okay if I'm not growing steadily and visibly all the time, because I grow in spurts like a cockroach :)

I'm going to need to do a Havi-style 'What I don't want' now because there are some massive potential triggers here for me. Could you please avoid:

Advice or diagnoses about my body stuff

Any opinions, however positive, about my physical appearance

Congratulations for finally taking your advice about meditating!!

Thank you <3