So today is the last day of this novena, and I'd been wryly assuming I was going to drag myself across the finish line and go into a prolonged fail-doom-collapse, because that tends to be my pattern. And today the universe has been going, 'LOL really, you thought THAT was going to happen?'
1) I've had a major body revelation, which I shall detail here with the usual caveat - no opinions on my physical appearance, however positive, plz!
I'd been extremely stuck on the whole body acceptance thing, because my body is female and my spirit is not, and while I'm sure I'd be happier if I could honestly go, 'Wow, I LOVE how hugely, blatantly female my body is! I really ENJOY having my biological sex be screamingly obvious to total strangers every time I walk down the street!'... well. I can't imagine ever even wanting to be there.
I was thinking about this and wrote: 'What I actually want is for God to agree with me...' and proceeded to detail all the things I wished God would say to me that God would obviously never say. And then burst into tears as I realised what I was doing. God was saying those things to me as I wrote them. I kept writing and this huge outpouring of divine joy came out. I quote one little bit:
'Do you know how many generations I've waited for humans to allow themselves to live out the genders I gave them? And are you really beating yourself up for not accepting that you're a woman? You think that's what I want? You think that's why I made you like that? I really wanted you to be silver. There is a party in heaven all the time about the fact that you're silver. And for you to make more noise about it, to CELEBRATE it more, to join the party, would delight me.'
And then I took a level in grasping the concept that instead of trying to enjoy how female my body is, I can enjoy how androgynous it is. It's all relative and I'm decidedly luckier than many female-bodied genderqueer people in that respect. WHICH MEANS that each of the many times per day that I feel uncomfortably aware of, say, my breasts, instead of thinking 'Ugh, I can feel how huge they are' I can experiment with thinking, 'Wow, I can feel how small they are.' It's equally true. Just a shift in perspective!!
SO THEN 2) a bit later I was thinking 'Huh, I really need to get more in alignment (spiritually tuned in) but I don't wanna and I can't think how to and I'm just going to fail at this, both now and in life generally.' So I decided to ignore everything and read random books from my bookcase, and this one spiritual book I hadn't looked at in ages jumped out at me. I started reading and within a couple of pages I felt VERY 'tuned in' and realised that far from having a fail-doom-collapse, the end of this novena was going to signal the start of a big bit of healing and progress for me. I could feel it starting already as I read.
AND THEN 3) I saw a 2p piece (that's tuppence, folks) on my windowsill that must have been there since I moved in and I'd just never noticed it before. I'm pretty superstitious about Mary Poppins-related occurrences, and coming after all THAT, well. :D
SO I AM GIVING THANKS FOR ALL OF THIS!
And I'm giving thanks for everyone who's been with me on this journey!
Giving thanks for all the learnings and changes that we've experienced and have yet to experience!
For the idea of doing this in the first place!
For faith, hope, and love! MAN I'm finding out why those three remain!
For the amazing privilege of even getting a GLIMPSE of the awesome destuckification wave that is rolling round the world right now. As strong as the sea. As real as the stars. WAAAAH.
For getting to be part of it, however small. A drop in this wave, a whisper in this wind of change.
For acceptance and permission. For things not turning out as expected.
For all the things I've forgotten to give thanks for that I'll probably remember in five minutes.
For God's sense of humour.
For play. For the sacredness of play as revealed on the bouncy Stonehenge.
FOR THE DESTUCKIFICATION OF THE WORLD!
Unconditional love, dogs and Mary Poppins
- Destuckification Novena - Day 54!!!