UGH I'm exhausted again even though I've been asleep since like, 6pm. But I was right yesterday about big changes coming for me. Not sure I'm quite done having revelations yet (lol, am I ever) but these are what I've got so far:
1) I am allowed to see myself as other than my body. I don't have to like my body. I just need to be okay living in it. In other words, I don't have to look at my body and think, 'This is me,' I just need to think, 'This is what I'm living in right now. Okay.'
Also, I am allowed the Star Wars quote that I love: 'Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.' I am actually allowed to think like that.
Having had this realisation, I think I grew about an inch, felt way more comfortable in my body and actually did like it more.
Massive caveat: People vary. I have no wish to invalidate anyone's hard-won body acceptance or challenge anyone's beliefs in the inseparability of body and spirit. This is just what's working for me right now.
2) I seem to be actually practising meditation and mindfulness of the presence of God. This is a huge deal for me because I normally find this difficult-to-impossible, and my monsters are convinced that everybody thinks I should meditate and finds my excuses unacceptable. I also feel like a lot of my God-avoidance has dissolved and I'm ready to start moving on to the next level.
3) Consequent progress on the procrastination front, and realisation that THE INTERNET HAS LEARNED HELPLESSNESS IN IT. In other words, I have a pattern of losing all faith in my ability to make sovereign choices when I sit down at a computer.
4) Actually started using the magic whiteboard I got for my birthday as a bosy organisational tool and space for playful messmaking. Going great so far.
5) I had a whole thing where I got halfway up a tree and realised I was scared to climb further. This brought on a lot of useful learnings and questions about my relationship with fear and courage, which I'm still processing.
GIVING THANKS for all of these learnings! And for the reminder that it's okay if I'm not growing steadily and visibly all the time, because I grow in spurts like a cockroach :)
I'm going to need to do a Havi-style 'What I don't want' now because there are some massive potential triggers here for me. Could you please avoid:
Advice or diagnoses about my body stuff
Any opinions, however positive, about my physical appearance
Congratulations for finally taking your advice about meditating!!
Thank you <3
Unconditional love, dogs and Mary Poppins
- Destuckification Novena - Day 48