I dropped half my dinner in the sink today. This is not that unusual.
My friend came in and expressed concern. I said, 'It's okay, I can fish it out of the sink,' and he said, in appalled tones, 'FISH?!'
My response was, 'Well, your w-" and then I shut up in confusion and embarrassment because I'd nearly said, "Your will be done."
What had gone through my head was something like this:
'Oh great, he's going to stop me fishing my food out of the sink. There goes my dinner. I hate this but I can't argue because I'm clearly wrong for dropping it and wrong for being disgusting enough to still want to eat it, and even if I did try to argue I'd lose because I always lose all arguments with everybody.' (Yes, I DID have low blood sugar at this point, can you tell? :)
Needless to say, my friend had absolutely no intention of stopping me eating (!!) and I was left to reflect on the bizarre thought process that led to me nearly saying, 'Your will be done,' in a really passive-aggressive way to another human being.
I realised that I have a pattern of saying 'Your will be done' to God when I hate my situation and feel helpless. It's a knee-jerk reaction. Which could be a good thing, except I'm doing it in this kind of, 'Fine, you're the boss of me so whatEVER' way that's not loving to myself or God. God is not the boss of me.
I'm going to say that again because it's a bit revolutionary. God is not the boss of me. And I don't just mean that I have free will to disobey God. I mean that the very concepts of disobedience and obedience and submission and surrender, and all those other kinky words we use to describe our relationship with God, often obscure the truth of that relationship. Total surrender to God is a thing, but it's the same thing as total surrender to myself. To the highest, deepest, most divine, most complete expression of myself, to the true me who is LOVE, like God and everything and everyone else. And when I start talking about 'surrender to myself' it starts to lose meaning and I might as well just say, 'being myself.' I might as well say, 'MY will be done.'
Of course, I'm not talking about the me who just wants to sit around on the internet eating junk food all day :) It doesn't mean 'my ego's will be done.' It doesn't mean it's okay to go on a crime spree because my ego is God. Ick!! Intuitively wrong!! I'm talking about a me who's MUCH more real than my ego. The reason why it's so hard to hang on to the truth that 'Thy will be done' and 'my will be done' are one is that it's hard to believe the real me is THAT DIVINELY AWESOME. It seems arrogant, right? How could a flawed person like me be love? How is it possible that when you get right down to it - down to the realest level of reality - this scared, embarrassed, angry, guilty human being burns brighter than the sun with a flame that would never hurt anyone? I mean, love? Radiant, boundless, unconditional love? Me?
Yeah... it can be hard to remember when you've just dropped your dinner down the sink. :D